Trust the process

I don’t think anything could have prepared me for that moment. I don’t even think there’s a word to describe whatever that feeling was. The only way I can try to describe it would be: everything stopped, but kept spinning; it went silent, but loudly asked “WHY?!” a million times; I wanted to run and collapse; I had to throw up, but couldn’t; I wanted to laugh thinking it was a sick joke and hit something because it wasn’t funny- all at the same time; but all I could do was put my head down and cry uncontrollably. This was my baby that I promised to love and protect. I’m his mom. If there’s a problem, I fix it. I always have the answers no matter what it is, but this time all I had were questions. For the first time, I felt helpless. I was broken.

The next two days were a blur. A lot of crying, researching, crying, overthinking, crying, rinse & repeat. Day 4 started the beginning of a turn around. I started talking to others who had gone through this, and also those currently going through the same. I learned a lot, not just about the disease, but about life; about myself. I learned not everything can be controlled or has a solution. I learned that cancer isn’t a death sentence and treatment isn’t a guarantee of life. I learned that I’m not alone. I learned to take things a day at a time and cherish the good. My son was still his normal, happy self while I was a mess, and I had to recognize this. This wasn’t just a fight against a disease, it was a chance to chance to love harder and make every moment count. I learned that you can do everything right, but shit can still happen; and you can’t beat yourself up over that. I learned to accept the inevitable, but not go down without fighting. I learned that it’s no longer about me. I learned to be selfless.

Day 5 was a turning point. I promised my babies that for now on everyday was going to be the best day ever. I don’t know what happened, but this tapped in to something I didn’t even know I had. I was ready to fight harder; but more importantly, I was ready to love harder than that. I had a purpose: to keep a smile on my baby’s face… oh yeah, and kick cancers ass too.

Grieving time was over. Time to take action.

Author: nellysmommy

I’m a fur mommy of 3: Ruby- 8 y/o red nose pit bull, Mr Nelson- 5 y/o mastiff mix, Svetlana- 2 y/o maine coon/Russian blue kitty. All three adopted (I don’t care to use the term “rescue” because I view the ‘saving’ as mutual) early on in their lives. Each has their own unique personality and much to my surprise, make a great sibling trio. My home is hairy and heart is full; to say I’m lucky is an understatement. On June 5, Nelly developed a slight limp and I noticed a bit of swelling on his right wrist. Figuring he sprained it playing with his sister, I kept an eye on it and tried to have him rest. When it comes to my babies I tend to overreact/overthink a bit (“what if this sprain leads to arthritis in the future? He might need a brace...”) and ended up scheduling an appointment with our vet (against everyone’s suggesting I’m just being dramatic- “give him an Advil, he’ll be fine tomorrow”). We go in June 7th, our vet suggests sedating him (which I freaked out over) for X-rays to see what exactly was going in. I went on about some errands until I got the call to come pick him up. Something in my gut felt off all day, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until I was completely blindsided by two words that changed everything: it’s cancer. This is our journey.

One thought on “Trust the process”

  1. Right ON Sista! You have captured what it means to Be More Dog. Congrats!

    The cancer journey is so much easier when you adapt such a great attitude. We are all very, very proud of you!

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