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Nelly’s New Normal

Fight the good fight & love harder-our journey

Nelly’s New Normal

Trust the process

June 22nd, 2018 · 1 Comment · Uncategorized

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I don’t think anything could have prepared me for that moment. I don’t even think there’s a word to describe whatever that feeling was. The only way I can try to describe it would be: everything stopped, but kept spinning; it went silent, but loudly asked “WHY?!” a million times; I wanted to run and collapse; I had to throw up, but couldn’t; I wanted to laugh thinking it was a sick joke and hit something because it wasn’t funny- all at the same time; but all I could do was put my head down and cry uncontrollably. This was my baby that I promised to love and protect. I’m his mom. If there’s a problem, I fix it. I always have the answers no matter what it is, but this time all I had were questions. For the first time, I felt helpless. I was broken.

The next two days were a blur. A lot of crying, researching, crying, overthinking, crying, rinse & repeat. Day 4 started the beginning of a turn around. I started talking to others who had gone through this, and also those currently going through the same. I learned a lot, not just about the disease, but about life; about myself. I learned not everything can be controlled or has a solution. I learned that cancer isn’t a death sentence and treatment isn’t a guarantee of life. I learned that I’m not alone. I learned to take things a day at a time and cherish the good. My son was still his normal, happy self while I was a mess, and I had to recognize this. This wasn’t just a fight against a disease, it was a chance to chance to love harder and make every moment count. I learned that you can do everything right, but shit can still happen; and you can’t beat yourself up over that. I learned to accept the inevitable, but not go down without fighting. I learned that it’s no longer about me. I learned to be selfless.

Day 5 was a turning point. I promised my babies that for now on everyday was going to be the best day ever. I don’t know what happened, but this tapped in to something I didn’t even know I had. I was ready to fight harder; but more importantly, I was ready to love harder than that. I had a purpose: to keep a smile on my baby’s face… oh yeah, and kick cancers ass too.

Grieving time was over. Time to take action.

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One Comment so far ↓

  • jerry

    Right ON Sista! You have captured what it means to Be More Dog. Congrats!

    The cancer journey is so much easier when you adapt such a great attitude. We are all very, very proud of you!

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